Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Effects of Divorce

It's funny- there are some random things that I miss about my dad. I miss him ironing his shirts in the morning. I miss his tradition of making pancakes or waffles for lunch on Sunday. I miss him reading to me. He has not done any of those things for the last, at least 3 years. Maybe it's been 4 now, since the divorce has gone by. I think everyone's happier now. My mom is treated better (being treated by no one is better than being treated badly) and my dad is in a new marriage where he feels needed. But it comes at a cost.

I don't trust men, which is unfortunate because there are some wonderful ones who deserve my trust. Their happiness, and my happiness, really, is effected by the divorce, and that's not fair for them.

There is a woman at my church whose parents divorced when she was 9. She once told my mom, that in the back of her mind, something is always nagging her, telling her that her husband will leave her like her father left her mom. Her husband is wonderful- he would never do that, but because of the divorce, she's got that consistant worry.

I find I'm torn. Because of the divorce, I know that guys have no excuse for not treating me like God's princess. I am special. And I believe (I read this once) that guys will work up to girls expectations, but if girls set their expectations low, then guys have no drive to be better. They will never surpass our expectations. Think of school. If an A is a 90, you'll strive for at least that 90, but if someone who also gets a 70 gets the same 4.0/5.0 for their GPA, why work for those 20 pts?

But if at the same time, I expect them to fail by treating me like dirt in the end, what is the point of these expectations??? It drives my mind crazy. Talk about internal conflict.

Sometimes I think I give my heart away too easily, I trust too easily, but the truth is, I never fully trust. I trust that they're thinking of my well being for the time, I trust that they have the best intentions to be loyal, but I don't trust that they'll always be there.

Some days I wish someone would try to earn that trust. I know it's not impossible. Hard, but not impossible.

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