Guilty Conscience

Guilt is an interesting phenomenon. It's beneficial because it means we recognize our sin and the tension we have with goodness, but sometimes it can pop up when we are not actually doing something wrong. I mean, we're always sinful, but sometimes we feel we should have done something when in actuality, we made a perfectly justifiable decision. Sometimes it's because of something someone else has said, but usually, it just nags.

If you ever want to make someone feel guilty, I'm a pretty easy target. This last week I've had a couple situations rolling around in my head: "I should have spent more time with her... I shouldn't be pestering him... I should have worked harder on that." Guilt is so effective because it is true in some respect. I remember a sermon once, talking about Satan's devices. One point was it works because it's [potentially twisted, manipulated] truth! Sure, I should have spent more time working on that assignment, but does pining over it help? The trick is to move on and not make the same mistake again

What I'm slowly learning each day is that Jesus died for our sins. Sounds like a Christian should know that, but I don't think we realize what that means each day. If I do something wrong, it's over. It's pointless trying to punish myself for things that He has already been punished for, if the guilt is caused by authentic sin. As Paul said, "If God is for us, who can be against us?... Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died- more than that, who was raised- who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us." (Rom 8:31b, 34)

What I've Been Up To

My mom has been out of town for a week, so I've been more or less independent. I was talking to one of my Texas friends Sunday afternoon, and they asked, "Do you feel like you have more freedom up there?" I really thought about it, and I have always been blessed with the trust from my mom. I can enjoy time in shops, or drive over to the library. She always has an idea of who I'm with and what I'm doing, but since I'm not really interested in doing anything she disapproves of, I am pretty free.

For instance, yesterday I wandered through an amazing scrapbooking store for an hour, just getting ideas for my scrapbook and looking at prices.

Last night, my friend Kim came over and we went out to Earls for dessert, all dressed up.

This weekend I'm going out to the mountains with some friends (I'll try to get some good pictures).

Today I went to the University Bookstore and browsed. I found Prince Caspian in Spanish, which made me excited (especially since I read the first page and understood it!). I'm still pondering if I should get it; I've got so many books on the go right now!

Yesterday I quilted with my grandmother and nearly finished a wall hanging. All that's left is some small decorative quilting, and the binding. It's so nice being able to spend time with her.

Tomorrow I have my Spanish speaking final, so wish me luck! Then I leave for the mountains, and will be back Sunday night.

Thought of the day

"God made the world round so we would never be able to see too far down the road." (Isak Dinesen)

Effects of Divorce

It's funny- there are some random things that I miss about my dad. I miss him ironing his shirts in the morning. I miss his tradition of making pancakes or waffles for lunch on Sunday. I miss him reading to me. He has not done any of those things for the last, at least 3 years. Maybe it's been 4 now, since the divorce has gone by. I think everyone's happier now. My mom is treated better (being treated by no one is better than being treated badly) and my dad is in a new marriage where he feels needed. But it comes at a cost.

I don't trust men, which is unfortunate because there are some wonderful ones who deserve my trust. Their happiness, and my happiness, really, is effected by the divorce, and that's not fair for them.

There is a woman at my church whose parents divorced when she was 9. She once told my mom, that in the back of her mind, something is always nagging her, telling her that her husband will leave her like her father left her mom. Her husband is wonderful- he would never do that, but because of the divorce, she's got that consistant worry.

I find I'm torn. Because of the divorce, I know that guys have no excuse for not treating me like God's princess. I am special. And I believe (I read this once) that guys will work up to girls expectations, but if girls set their expectations low, then guys have no drive to be better. They will never surpass our expectations. Think of school. If an A is a 90, you'll strive for at least that 90, but if someone who also gets a 70 gets the same 4.0/5.0 for their GPA, why work for those 20 pts?

But if at the same time, I expect them to fail by treating me like dirt in the end, what is the point of these expectations??? It drives my mind crazy. Talk about internal conflict.

Sometimes I think I give my heart away too easily, I trust too easily, but the truth is, I never fully trust. I trust that they're thinking of my well being for the time, I trust that they have the best intentions to be loyal, but I don't trust that they'll always be there.

Some days I wish someone would try to earn that trust. I know it's not impossible. Hard, but not impossible.

Trust, Deceit, and Forgiveness

Have you ever noticed how the more severe the offence, the more unique or complicated the punishment? For example, if you are late for curfew, you might be grounded for a week, but if you are late because you crashed the car, you are not only grounded for the week, but must repay for the damages by mowing the lawn. This example did not do justice to the point I am trying to make, as the only one I can think of is the specific situation I am in, which I'd rather not disclose. Therefore I encourage you to reflect on your own criminal record.

I have always been a "good kid." I have never been to a "high school party." I've swaggered around the top 5% in my class of 600-ish. I've never crashed a car. My most unique punishment is when I forget to turn off the lights in my room, I owe $0.50 (to help pay for the electrical bill). I actually LIKE this punishment, because it trains me not to do that... a useful skill when I live in my own house.

The other day I deceived some people I respect dearly, and broke their trust. My mom's favorite saying is "It takes a while to build someones trust, and one instance to break it." Although the couple I deceived are incredibly forgiving, I am, for the first time I can remember, feeling the full impact of that quote. Let me tell you, it stinks. I encourage you, if you are in a situation where you are going behind someone's back, to come clean with that person before they catch you.

Long story short, I won't be on facebook until school starts, among other things. And potentially not on this blog for quite some time.